Finally this minor suffering has just ended. Thanks God for the short relief. But yet, the scary part is not over yet; Professional II examination is just within a month. It surely freaks me out and obviously a lot more depression as the battle is tougher and more rewarding if you win it. There will be only two outcomes, whether you manage to get into clinical phase or stuck in phase one for another year. God, please help me to avoid the second option. I can’t Imagine what will happen to me if I’m stuck in phase two for another year while my mates in third phase.
Well, I guess that this time exam is the most terrible exam in my whole exam-life in USM. (I think I feel it every time after exam actually. Sigh!). Well yea, confirm! This is the most terrible exam that gives me a week of miserable moment with depression and frustration.
I think I perform badly in all paper except for clinical osce (because I get a very nice doctor). Well, start with OSCE examination. Due to insomnia problem, I’m not able to sleep well at night which giving a great impact during the exam. I go blank for nearly half of the exam station out of 22. It’s so frustrating when things which already in my head won’t go out. Only after I left the station, everything starts filling my heads. But obviously, it is no use anymore but burdening my head as I cannot focus on the later station.
Then, turn out for essay question time. Same thing goes here. A very simple and straight forward question but yet, I’m unable to recall and pick a wrong answer. How could I stupidly pick the diagnosis of AVM for subarachnoid hemorrhage due to lesion in circle of Willy. It obviously ruptures berry aneurysm which is very common in younger patient. I already figure this out but I stupidly write the AVM on the paper. I guess I’m really being tested by God this time. Maybe it’s time for a little suffering after so much happiness that HE gives me.
Today is the last paper for selanjar III. It really destroys my chance to pass. I used to score well (even though not A) in MCQ paper before but today lot of thing which I did not cover comes out. So I guess, it’s a sign for a doom.
I have to admit, that besides little preparation. Maybe what happen is due to lack of “X” factor. I used this term to describe about spiritual stuff. I’ve to admit; this time I did not put my attention towards this matter. Lack of supplication, hopes and focus in prayer has led me a little bit astray. I just remember what my ex-lecturer said. Wisdom without bless is nothing! We surely can learn lot of thing. But as a creation, we have lot of limitation and at the end; we have to rely on our creator!
Lack of “X” has also causing me a lot of stress and depression. (Please pray for me that I’m not ending up in psychiatry ward). I guess I’m having difficulties to deal with my emotion and did not really find ways to overcome my stress.
Arghhhhhhh! I truly depress. I guess I have to stop writing now. I don’t have any mood to continue this writing and my head is fully occupied with DEPRESSION.