Saturday, February 15, 2014

Tales That Keeps Me Moving Forward

Day by day, I starts to understand why more and more colleagues quitting this noble profession I used to condemn but now, I myself starts looking deeper and harder, will I stay strong with oath to carry on this profession till the last of my breath?

Those who left, they are enjoying each passing day with their love one. Earning good money with less work and stress.

Sometime, you are wondering about your value. Are you really that noble, or just a useless brat? You spend five years in medical school, torturing your mind and body to earn the medical degree. This difficult year will not always yield good harvest in working life.

You are being scolded by everybody. Your superior, angry colleagues, relative and even patient who never go to any formal school and yet, they seems noble than you. You are being scolded as if you are just plain rubbish.

Well, I experience it too. Being in a situation where an angry relative threatened to smash you into pieces. A so called rich and arrogant bastard recording your work, taking blood investigation from their un cooperative child by using their expensive smart phone.

Working like a cheap labor and you don’t get the payment that you are being promised to. And THEY request you to do free jobs outside your working hour while you already burnt out and sleeping is the only thing that you want to do. Treating patient is noble. But how noble it is to work like hell, until you vomit out everything that you eat earlier on. Even though you are sick, you are still not taking the medical certification leave while your patient simply threatened you for MC even though just for a simple runny nose. On your special day, you are still dedicating your life for work. What about payment? When you start asking, then people will say that you are materialistic, you do not have the heart to cure the sick, and you are taking advantages on sick people by making money out of it.

Not to mentioned, the feeling of guilt whenever a patient died. You will keep asking yourself, are you the one who causing them to die? The moment when you have to undergo mortality review or even some relative may lodge police reports against you. You are Murderer!  And the guilt keep eating you from the inside and it makes you cry every single night that you have.

It is painful whenever you need to think, how hard you are struggling to save a patient life. You are playing with medicine, bloods, machine and everything you can have but at the end of the day, you watch a straight line on cardiac monitor and you can see their final breath.

The guilt deep inside your heart when you can’t treat the patient as what you have being taught due to financial constraint or nationality status is so painful. While you are taking oath to salvage every soul that you can regardless of the races, religion, economy status, things do not happen in reality. The worst part, when you have to see the patient died because they cannot afford the treatment.

There will be a moment when you see the patient suffers but you just can’t help them because you are less intellect. Not knowing what is wrong with the patient. You just feel that you are useless.

And when you are trying to help, there will always be a smart ass who tries to make fun on your career. While you are trying hard to be a professional in your profession, they will still accuse you of trying to take advantage on patient. Doctors are filled with lustful desire that they are hungry of women boobs and pussy. No matter how hard you are trying, there will always people who use religion to condemn you.

Not to forget, when you are trying hard to council patient regarding their illness, the importance of taking medication and etc, there will be group of people who sell their magical product that can treat thousands of illnesses. No matter how rubbish they are, they will always appears as hero and you are the enemy.

Sometime, a patient just need a place to die and they already accepted their fate. But you can’t even assist them to undergone the suffering. And you can’t convince your colleague to accept the case because of the precious limited bed available for a patient that has good chances of survival.

Reality is painful. It is what you have to swallow every day. I will be lying if I never have any thought about quitting my job. Yes, I want to have a luxurious life for I’m tired of being someone with less money. And I’m tired of being scolded as if you are someone with no education. Well, I cry too despite of the fact being man and hate tears.

I want to quit, but then the images of my previous patient kept coming in my mind. Yes, I will never forget them.

How can you forget a child running in the ward and hugs you after he recovered from a laparotomy due to a very bad intra-abdominal infection.

And a patient who comes in with a very bad kidney failure and when he recovered, he even kisses your hand despite the fact that you are much younger than him.

A patient with multiple abscesses and multiple organ failure requiring renal support, lung support and heart support till everybody was just giving up. Tracheostomy was created because he can’t even breathe properly. And on one fine day, after so long time, He starts to sit on wheelchair and then able to talk, smile and eat happily. And you come across with him at hospital corridor after few months being discharged. Smiling happily and thanking you.

You will never forget the smile from a patient who comes in with difficulty in breathing and about to die and you realize that it is a tension pneumothorax. A simple procedure draws out the air and he can smile and talk.

Or patients with heart attack with life on the fast lane, ready to depart to the other world but with God help, you manage to dissolve the clot and they have the second chance.

Or the tale about a grandmother who live in a remote island that need to wait for three days before she manage to bring her sick day five of life grandson. And the septic baby survives and you can see the tear drop from the pitiful old lady.

And the smile of mother when they listen to their baby cries after delivery even though you keep on being accused of taking advantages on them.

Yes, I will not going to forget my elderly patient with a very severe flesh eating skin infection and everybody already nearly give up. But then, with GOD help, you just decide that you want to give another extra effort and she finally walking back home, smiling and forcing you to accept foods as a token of appreciation.

And yes, I have hundreds more tale that I will not going to forget. Tales that manage to ease my heart and make me strong.                                  At the time I’m in agony, it is them that keep me strong. I’m wondering what my life would be if I quit my profession. Will I still be able to see the happiness glowing in the patient’s face?

This is a shitty life. It will not going to give you richness. You will not going to have a forever nice sleep decorated with beautiful dream. And you will lose a lot of precious time. But this is a gift for you. Something that you carry from the first day you are announced as a doctor. A title that you will carry till your last breath on earth. You just can pray that you will keep strong in this profession. Praying that you will not going to have neither a mental breakdown nor the physical burn out.

Allah Matlamatku, Rasulullah ikutanku, Al Quran pedoman hidup, Syahid impianku.


"Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yg paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu org-orang yang beriman."[ Surah Al-Imran ayat 139]

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