Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Rest well brother

Religion and race and skin color is all that matters to people nowadays. Each one wanting to make an impact on who is superior. Well the fact is nobody really know who goes to heaven and who goes to hell, so why all the drama. The last you will be seen is 6 feet down the ground or in ashes. Just live life simple, why complicate it. [Prasanth Bhujan, 1984-2014]

While the prophet of Islam taught us about the brotherhood and sisterhood, the unity despite of differences of skin color, races and languages, some were still shouting about racism. I’m a blessed person for even though I was born and taught about Malay supremacy, I manage to wake up early and see the beauty of this world when you mix with someone different than you. While some of the so called Islamic leader said; “the saliva of the Non Muslim were unclean”, I’m happy that I went another way around. We ate and drank using the same plates and glasses without feeling being contaminated.

Who said that Muslim and non Muslim can not live together? Yes we can. As long as we believed that we were the descendent of Adam and Eve, we respected each other believe and accept the differences among us as sign of creator’s greatness. And this special entry described about our friendship that extended beyond the boundary of religion and races. Unfortunately, death had separated us from continue to cherish it until we grow old.

He was my junior in our housemanship training in Tawau General Hospital. We were differ about one month. Obstetric & Gynecology was our first posting together but then we work in almost all department; orthopedic, surgery, medical, pediatric and Emergency & Trauma Department. After few months, we were re united again under the same roof as Medical officer of Emergency & Trauma Department in Hospital Lahad Datu. 2 years and 10 months of knowing each other, and yet so many memories that grow together.

I’m not close to him at first. Well, sometime he got emergency and came to work late. He got sick quite often. But at that time, I used to scold him and asked him to come to work on time. Maybe the burden of the job at that time stressed you up when somebody did not turned up. But then, once I know him better then I started to understand about his condition. Well of course, I do scold him when he made mistake in works. He admitted that he was not a fast learner as other but he was willing to learn. He was very hardworking, he took initiative to learn and he become a safe doctor and someone you can trust. Well sometime he got sad as well because superior were picking him up but he was a determined guy. Despite of being extended, he grow to become a good doctor.

And when we did our MO’ship together, he was among the safest doctor that I know. He was the man who willing to put aside his ego as long as it was for patient’s benefit. He didn’t mind admitting that he do not have idea on what was happening to the patient and consulting you because he understand his limitation. He had a very good bedside manner. He never scold his patient and never forgot to put a smile every time he met with patient. He talked in a soft voice and never being rude. I remember I once burst out in front of the patient with severe Acute Exacerbation of Asthma who asked for “AOR” discharge and he was the one who talk back to the patient until the patient stop throwing tantrums.

We used to work in busy shifts. Most of them are hell with non stop yellow zone cases and full bed red zone cases. But we never ever forgot to make jokes and laugh. When the nurses out of sanity, we teased them back and the department filled with laughter again.

There were time when I was so exhausted and having sleepless night. I felt asleep at the counter. He wake me up and said. “Hey, go and take nap in the MO room la. Don’t sleep here”. I told him. “Okay, give me half an hour”. But instead, I slept for nearly three hours and he never wake me up. I felt guilty and he said. “Never mind bro. Everything is under control! Don’t worry.”

He was the man who will stay even when his shift finish just to help you when you were too busy and there were too many patient. He will stay even up to six hours which mean doing nearly two straight shift. In fact, he tried not to pass over cases that he attending even though finishing his shift. He will said, “Never mind bro, once I settle everything I will go home.”, “Never mind bro, this is a simple case la, I will discharge him.”, “Bro, this case is for admission but I did not manage to contact the respective team. Never mind la, I will call and admit the patient.”

When someone talked bad about me, he stood up and defending me. I owe him so much.

How can i ever forgot when people could not pronounced his name. He would teach them to pronounce it like a primary school student. Pra- "santh". but still some will pronounce it as other. and i will always remember his handwriting as well. small and sometimes look like he was shaking. 

We went to the gym together, chilling out in the steam room and talk about so many thing. He talked about his experience in Ukraine as well as Indonesia. How they were pointed gun straight to their head and threatened to be killed. How the spark of racism nearly got them in trouble.

He used to talk about his family. How great his father in raising his siblings. I still remember when he told me. He used to love a Nike sport shoes during his childhood. His father insisting on him to buy it but he knows that they were not from rich family. And he choose the cheapest shoes for did not want to burden his father. And when he work and received his salary, that was the time when he bought his dream shoes.

He was the man who loves his family so much. He bought a nice Honda car for his father and yet he drove second hand Putra car. He work so hard and give the money to the family. She truly loves one girl but letting her go because he wanted to repay his family first and not ready for marriage live.

We talked about so many things. We talked about our dream girl, his past relationship, the type of girl that he loves. We talked about career, about our future. He used to tell me that I should find a girl to marry and not to screw the girl. He recommends so many potential mate to me and wanting to be my wing man. He used to told me how rich man were actually looking for simple live. In his housing area, rich man drive luxurious car and yet settling down in a house with basic requirement. He told me. We should be like that too. If we ever get rich, we should live our life simple and be happy.

He was so insisted to go back to semenanjung because he wanted to bring his dad for an appointment. Besides, he was attending his best friend wedding ceremony. He told me to find locum slot for him in July and he will do “kow-kow” locum. Besides, he asked me to arrange his schedule just like I used to do it before.

I book a holiday request in our book in the morning before I fly to KK for my conference. But he was too greedy. I gave him five days off and yet he decide to take leave forever and never come back anymore. How could he did that to me and to the rest of us.

I was in car heading to conference hall when I was informed that he met an accident. I talked to a friend who was attending him. His GCS is 13/15, he sustained multiple open fracture but vital sign still holding up. We were planning to transfer him to Tawau for definitive plan. And the specialist in Tawau was known about it and request to facilitate his family to come to Tawau. And i called his best friend and he rushed to Kunak.

Few minutes later my friend called me again saying that his blood pressure start to drop. I urge him to transfuse immediately and stabilize him. After half an hour, he informed me that the situation getting worsened and they were intubating him. I was puzzled and couldn’t even focus on my course. Then i received a call saying that they did CPR for 20 minutes and able to revive him. Pupil were fixed and not reactive. I told them not to gave up and transfuse blood and aggressively resuscitated him. They were trying their best. It was not easy for them because the patient in front of them were their close friend as well.

Then communication broke. I was waiting nervously. I thought he was doing fine and ready for transport. In fact, one of our MA from Lahad Datu already arrange a medivec for possible air transport after stabilizing him. But then i receive a call from my friend. She was crying over the phone and told me that they are doing CPR for 50 minutes and still in asystole. I burst in cry. After four years, that was the first time i cried again. I couldn’t accept the fact and asked them to try harder and try to reverse it. Look for pneumothorax or hemothorax and insert the chest tube and give more blood. She said she will try. After few minutes, she called me back. She was crying so hard and keep on apologizing for not able to resuscitate him. They were pronouncing him. My chest become tight and i couldn’t believe it at all. I can hardly breath and i cry in front of everybody. I just lose a good friend of mine. I was asking GOD why it happen and why took his life.

I told her, “it’s ok. I know all of you have tried your very best. It must be very hard for you to intubate and doing CPR to someone who you know very well. I told them, i also not sure how would i perform it if I’m the one attending him.”

The scenes from Grey Anatomy comes in when the team resuscitating George. It was not easy job for them. It was the same thing happen when Dr Pratt, one of attending in emergency room being resuscitated by his fellow friend in the series of ER!. The last thing you wanted to do is to attend someone you know in his or her critical situation.

Later, someone send the pictures of his cars. It was severely damaged. I cried again learning that he stuck inside the car before being pulled out. I couldn’t imagine how much pain he suffered with those multiple long bone fracture and abdominal injury and brain injury.

Everybody cried and feel the emptiness of the soul after his departed. Nobody can forgot his kindness, his smile and his jokes. My colleagues couldn’t functioning because of missing him so much. Everybody miss him.

I too feel the awkwardness when i enter the department after coming back from KK. It was full of silence and something was not right. But i promise myself that i will stay strong and become a better doctor after this. So that when somebody friend, son, daughter, mother, father and lover brought in with critical situation then i could do something to salvage them.

Dear friend. I can only now say goodbye and hoping that you will rest well there. I know that everybody miss you and i hope that you will become our guardian angle and watch us from above. Rest well my brother

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Cinta Palsu

Jenuh aku bertanya,
pada jiwa yang keliru,
apakah benar ini cinta,
yang bikin ku gila dan..
Hanyut dlm senyum mu

Betapa aku merindu,
saat kita bersua temu,
lalu kisah kita berlagu,
mungkinkah ia irama syahdu..

Sayang maaflanlah aku,
ini kaca bukan permata,
hanya ilusi yang menipu,
penuh daya palsu,
dan bukan sebenar cinta.

Betapa aku merindu,
saat kita bersua temu,
lalu kisah kita berlagu,
mungkinkah ia irama syahdu..

Tapi sayang ia palsu,
cinta ini hanya ilusi.

Taman Gaya Tawau
13 June 2014

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Yang Sebenarnya Mengerti….

Setiap apa yang kita dengar, yang kita baca dan setiap apa yang kita lihat di media social; Tanya diri kita dua atau tiga mahupun empat kali.

“Adakah ia berita benar atau palsu?”

Sungguh, harga sebuah kejujuran itu sangat mahal sekali. Berapa kerap kita mendapat sesuatu perkhabaran yang benar-benar ditanam dengan kejujuran dan integrity?

Adakalanya, kita tidak kisah akan kejujuran. Yang kita mahu hanyalah sebuah sensasi. Dan kita juga seronok menjadi ejen untuk menambahkan lagi kehangatan cerita.

Cerita yang pada asalnya A mungkin akan menjadi B setelah dua orang bercakap-cakap akan nya. Lama kelamaan ia menjadi C atau D. Setelah sekian lama, ia terus menjadi Z dan terus 360 darjah berbeza dari apa yang sebenarnya berlaku.

Hanya yang mengalami sesuatu kejadian itu yang akan benar-benar faham dan mengerti nilai sebuah cerita. Tanpa perlu di tambah perisa dan tidak di sensasikan.
Soalnya, adakah kita bersedia untuk mengetahui sebuah kebenaran atau kita juga sebenarnya rela akan palsunya sesuatu itu asalkan ia mampu menyantuni nafsu kita.
Saya sendiri berdepan dengan situasi yang sama. Malah, ada kejadian tersebut mendapat liputan persada negara. Mungkin kerana ada rencana dari TUHAN yang meletakkan saya di kejadian tersebut. Masih saya ingat sewaktu ia berlaku, ceritanya adalah A. kemudian, seorang demi seorang memperkenalkan diri sebagai wakil kepada badan badan tertentu yang datang untuk merakam kenyataan berhubung situasi yang berlaku. Dua jam kemudian, berita tersebar dan ia adalah 10 peratus tersasar dari kisah sebenar. Dan akhirnya apabila mentari gah di angkasa, cerita sudah 60% bertukar dan masyarakat hanya mendapat kisah yang hanya menarik perhatian mereka dan bukannya sebuah kebenaran.

Tapi sayang, ada masanya kebenaran itu sukar untuk diperkatakan. Ada masanya, anda hanya mampu untuk berdiam diri walau terpaksa menahan pahitnya menyimpan kebenaran tersebut.

Oleh itu, setiap apa yang kita baca di media social; usah 100% mempercayainya. Dan usah pula tangan tangan anda pantas menekan kekunci butang share atas alasan anda kononnya ingin membantu menyebarkan sebuah kebenaran. Percayalah, anda juga berisiko untuk menyebarkan sebuah penipuan dan fitnah.

Perkara sama juga berlaku apabila berita tidak baik disebarkan tentang seseorang. Kita mempunyai pilihan untuk mempercayainya 100% dan menanggung risiko bersubahat dengan terlibat dalam sebuah kepalsuan kisah. Kita juga mempunyai pilihan yang lebih baik iaitu dengan bertanya sendiri dengan seseorang yang dikeji itu.  Jika dia berbohong pada kita, itu bukan masalah kita. Jika ia adalah sebuah kebenaran yang diakui oleh si tercela, maka itu sebenarnya harga sebuah kepercayaan yang diberikan kepada kita..

Sunday, June 1, 2014


Dalam kehidupan, kita sering mengimpikan satu kehidupan yang amat sempurna. Segalanya harus berjalan dengan penuh teratur dan lancar. Impian kita agar ia hampir sama dengan plot cerita yang mana kita adalah penulisnya.

Tapi,  ia bukan begitu. Sempurna mana pun skrip yang kita tulis, kita tidak mampu untuk menjadi pelakon yang mampu melaksanakan plot tersebut.

Ada masa, kita bertanya mengapa realiti yang ditempuhi ini  tidak sama dengan apa yang kita impi? Tidak hairan, ada sang pempimpi yang berharap dia menjadi insan yang baik. Ingin menjadi kekasih Allah dan mengikut suruhan Rasul. Tapi entah mengapa dan entah dimana silapnya? Sehariannya depenuhi dengan rongga dosa.

Adakah tangisan di malam hari mengenangkan dosa yang dilakukan itu cukup untuk menebus kesilapan yang berulang kali dilakukan? Sudah diketahui segala hukum dan hinanya sebuah kebejatan, tetapi ia juga yang menjadi peneman diri.

Ada masa, Sang Pencipta menghantar petunjuk melalui kejadian yang berlaku disekeliling kita. Ia adalah tanda kasihnya.

Kematian itu bisa menjadi petunjuk yang agung.

Ah, jika dulu aku selalu menafikannya. Mungkin segalanya berlaku hanya secara kebetulan. Tapi sering pula aku menyaksikan betapa berbedanya mereka yang meninggal dalam keadaan melakukan maksiat atau dalam keadaan mengingati Allah.

Lantas aku bertanya? Adakah aku akan mati dalam sehina kejadian? Atau aku berkesempatan menghadap Ilahi dalam keadaan aku menjadi kekasihnya.


Mungkin itu yang menjadi punca mengapa kita menjadi semakin jauh. Walau dikelilingi orang-orang yang sentiasa berinteraksi dengan kita tetapi kita sebenarnya bersendirian. Kita sendiri kerana tidak adanya teman yang benar-benar mahu membawa kita menuju syurga. Yang ada hanyalah teman-teman palsu yang bisa menunjukkan keindahan sebuah dosa dan bukannya kedamaian dalam mengejar kehidupan yang abadi.

Perjalanan...... Mengapa tidak dapat aku susurinya seperti mana yang pernah aku jalani dulu. Perjalanan yang dipenuhi ruang mengingati Sang Pencipta. Dan bukannya kehidupan yang penuh dengan kemaksiatan.
Allah Matlamatku, Rasulullah ikutanku, Al Quran pedoman hidup, Syahid impianku.


"Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yg paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu org-orang yang beriman."[ Surah Al-Imran ayat 139]

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